


Paper Ties

by sub_divided



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Backstory, Canon-compliant mentions of abuse, Character Study, Family Dynamics, Gen, HxH secret Santa exchange, Siblings, Specifically Zoldyck family Dynamics so you know it's gonna be F'd up, kalluto pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:47:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21944593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sub_divided/pseuds/sub_divided
Summary: “What're you waiting for?” Killua said, impatient. “You’re small, you can fit.”Kalluto hesitated. Their clothes would definitely get dirty, and need to be washed.“Come on, Kalluto!” Alluka said. “It’s fun!”Kalluto could hear the dogs barking. Hiding in a hole in the ground was not dignified, even when Illumi did it. But he didn’t want to be the only one who got caught. He climbed in next to Alluka, Killua covered both of them with his arms, and they waited to see if they’d be found.***Written for zaoldyeck for the HxH Secret Santa exchange on Tumblr, she requested "Killua, Alluka and Kalluto". Turns out I have Many Thoughts on this trio so thank you for the excuse to write about them. This story is backstory from Kalluto's POV so the usual disclaimers about Zoldyeck Family Bullshit apply.  I hope you like it, shin!
Relationships: Alluka Zoldyck & Kalluto Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 15
Kudos: 111





	Paper Ties

They had about 10 seconds to hide. The dogs would be coming soon. 

“Quick, the bushes!” Killua dug a small hole between their mom’s rose bushes, using his hands like shovels, and pulled Alluka, giggling, in with him. Kalluto stood diffidently aside. Would there be room for him too? It was a small hole in the ground. 

“What're you waiting for?” Killua said, impatient. “You’re small, you can fit.”

Kalluto hesitated. Their clothes would definitely get dirty, and need to be washed. 

“Come on, Kalluto!” Alluka said. “It’s fun!”

Kalluto could hear the dogs barking. Hiding in a hole in the ground was not dignified, even when Illumi did it. But he didn’t want to be the only one who got caught. He climbed in next to Alluka, Killua covered both of them with his arms, and they waited to see if they’d be found. 

***

The first set of dogs passed by without pausing. Kalluto had never spent such a long time so physically close to his siblings, it felt nice. 

But then, later, they heard the telltale snuffling of Grey, their mother’s favorite bloodhound. 

Kilua, Alluka and Kalluto tensed. They knew that this was probably the end of the game, Grey never failed to find them during the training exercises. And those were just normal games to develop their stealth, basically hide and seek, not like this one, where they’d be punished for being found. 

Kalluto knew they didn't have long, after all they still smelled like the dessert they’d stolen from the butler’s quarters. He stood up, dusted himself off.

“We’re here!” he called out. 

***

The worst punishment was reserved for Killua, who as the oldest of the three of them should have known better. (And also, Kalluto suspected, he'd gotten off easy for giving his siblings up.) Killua didn’t seem to care, or rather, he seemed happy to take the punishment in place of Alluka. 

But, he ignored Kalluto for a few days afterward. 

***

“I’ll get you!” Killua yelled out. “You can’t hide forever!”

Kalluto hid behind a rock, heart pounding. The cave was dark, but with enough light from the torches screwed in at an adult’s eye level for them to see, once their eyes adjusted. 

“You won’t!” Alluka yelled back. Kalluto rolled his eyes. How dumb was Alluka? Of course Killua had wanted an answer when he’d called out. Only a child would fall for that trick. 

Killua quickly homed in on Alluka’s voice. “Got you!” he yelled, and grabbed her in a hug. She shrieked with joy, seeming not to care that she’d just lost the game. 

“Brother caught me,” she said, happily. “My turn to be It.”

“Not yet,” Killua told her. “Now we both find Kalluto.” He motioned over the butler - Alluka’s constant companion these days - and held out his hand, waiting for the blindfold. 

“Hold still, OK?” he told her, and carefully wrapped the cloth around her head. When he was finished, they both stood together, blindfolded and ready to find Kalluto, the only person in the cave who could still see anything (apart from the butler, who didn’t count). 

It wasn’t how the game was usually played, but it would probably be more fun this way. The last time Alluka had been the blindfolded It, Kalluto and Killua had been able to successfully evade her for the rest of the day. 

Kalluto thought hard. Now it was two against one, and Killua was a real threat. His senses were sharper and he moved more silently than either of them. Ever since their parents had pulled Alluka out of training and assigned a butler to watch her, they’d been pushing Killua twice as hard, and he’d gotten a lot stronger than the two of them. Kalluto wished he was older, so he could also start the real training, and move on from these children’s games. 

He wouldn’t be able to stay hidden behind this rock forever, but any movement was bound to give him away. He closed his eyes, to better listen to his siblings’ movements. He couldn’t hear Killua at all, but Alluka was faintly audible. He tried to find the pattern to her footsteps. If he also stepped at the same time, he’d disguise his movements.

After an age, he thought he had the pattern. He opened his eyes. Killua was in front of him. Startled, he took a step back. 

Killua stepped forward, and put a hand on his head. He ruffled Kalluto's hair, messing up his haircut.

“Caught you,” he said. 

***

Alluka found Kalluto while he was sorting through his collection of handmade Japanese papers. Each was neatly rolled on its own wooden dowel and the dowels made a pile in the middle of Kalluto's second room, where he was currently looking for a pattern to match the cold and foggy autumn weather outside. 

"Are you busy, Kalluto?" Alluka asked. She was the only person in the entire family who always called him by name, never "son" or "brother". 

"Maybe," Kalluto said. They hadn't spent much time together recently. Mama had wanted Kalluto by her side constantly to fill the void left by Killua's departure to Heavens Arena, and Alluka did not participate in any of the traditional Zoldyck training.

They also had rooms at opposite ends of the mansion, and unlike Killua who was constantly skating up and down the corridors, Alluka and Kalluto tended to keep to themselves. For Alluka to have come all the way over to this side of the house to see Kalluto, she must have really been bored.

"What are you looking for?" Alluka said. She sat down next to him on the floor, legs neatly folded in a kneeling position to not wrinkle her yukata. She had a delicate way of sitting, just like Kalluto. When he thought about it, they were similar in some ways. 

"Just something pretty," Kalluto said. "Ah!"

He pulled out a scroll with red and gold metallic leaves against stylized grey clouds.

"Pretty," Alluka said. "Can I see?"

Why not? No one else was interested in this hobby of Kalluto's. He passed the scroll over.

"This would make a nice wreath," Alluka said. "Or you could cut it up and make a flower chain. Or do origami. Oh! And there's also paper cut out art, have you heard of it?"

Kalluto shook his head, generally he cut the thick papers into small scraps and stitched them together in mosaics to hang in his room, almost like paper quilts. Mostly it made him happy to see all the different patterns and colors and to pick up and put down each roll and admire it. He hadn't tried folding the paper.

"It's really pretty" Alluka said again, handing the roll back. "All of them are so pretty."

"Say, Kalluto. Can I borrow some of your paper? I'm kind of lonely and it'll be fun to make flower chains for everyone."

In the Zoldyck household, everything was always an exchange. "I'll owe you," or "I'll pay you back" would have been normal ways to ask for something you wanted. Only Alluka would simply request something, and her requests were very fraught. Kalluto would now have to give her some of his precious paper, but what surprised him more was that he didn't really mind. At least she appreciated them.

"Sure," he said.

They spent the rest of the day peacefully cutting paper side by side. And when Alluka finished with her flower chains, she gave Kalluto the prettiest one. 

***

Killua, Alluka and Kalluto sat in a circle on the lawn, seemingly alone although Kalluto knew the butlers assigned to Alluka would be watching, discretely, from a distance. In the center of their circle, Alluka had set a low table with tea things and sweets, the traditional kinds Kalluto liked and the overly sweet, European style cakes that Killua preferred. Some of Alluka's many stuffed animals were also in attendance at the table. 

After tea, they split a box of fancy chocolates Killua had brought back with him from Heaven’s arena. Killua, unsurprisingly, had a million stories and Alluka, as always, had a million questions. They chatted away happily, laughing together at jokes Kalluto didn't quite get. 

Kalluto felt left out, but he stubbornly ate his chocolate in silence. At least he’d been invited to the coming home tea party, alone among everyone else on the estate. That was worth something. 

“And there are shops above the 100th floor where you can just leave your name and everything is taken from your winnings automatically. They don’t even ask for ID, they just look up your profile on the bookie website. I brought a whole bunch of stuff while I was still on the 99th floor, no one even noticed…”

Kalluto hadn’t been idle while Killua had been away. He, too, had stories he could tell - if he was allowed to tell them. 

“Did you make it to the 200th floor, brother?” He wanted to ask. “Have you seen the real power of the fighters there - the real source of the Zoldyck’s strength? Have you seen _nen_?”

But he’d been sworn to secrecy about nen. And especially around Killua. So, he held his tongue. 

***

This time, Kalluto was It. 

They were getting too old for this game - except for Alluka, all of the Zoldyck siblings had now started the real training. Only Alluka, kept away from the family’s traditions for fear that it would strengthen the monster inside of her, had still wanted to play and Killua, as always, did whatever she asked. 

Does he realize that he’s the monster’s favorite person? Kalluto wondered. Does he give it whatever it wants out of self-defense? 

Most of the family now avoided Alluka, for fear the monster would ask for things they couldn’t give. Even most of the butlers avoided Alluka, except for those assigned to watch her. And they were rotated, switched out as soon as one received a request. 

As children, Alluka had never asked for anything that was difficult to give and Kalluto had hardly noticed her power. Recently, however, her requests had been growing more difficult, in pace with the wishes she was asked to grant. 

It had been especially bad since Mama and Papa (and Milluki) had started their experiments. At first, Kalluto hadn't fully agreed with them that Alluka was dangerous, but now he could see the wisdom in Mama's warnings and also tried to keep a wide berth. 

If you refused the monster’s requests four times in a row, both you and the person closest to you would die, that's what Mama had told him. 

Who did Kalluto love most? Probably Mama. Mama needed him to keep an eye on his siblings, for the good of the family. Killua and Alluka were too close and it wasn't healthy. The more Kalluto told on them, the more distance it put between Killua, Alluka and himself. Killua regarded him coldly, as a traitor. Alluka was more neutral, she probably understood the pressure he was under and didn’t hold it against him personally. 

She was, in more ways than one, an alien and Kalluto didn't understand her, even though he'd once thought they were similar. Maybe if she hadn't been so different from the rest of the family, and so dangerous, they could have been closer. 

Who did Killua love most? Sadly, Kalluto had concluded that the answer was obvious. He loved Alluka the most - and by extension, the monster inside Alluka the most. 

So if Killua refused the monster’s requests, both he and Alluka would die - together. 

It's a devious trick, Kalluto thought. The only way to be safe from the monster was to be the person closest to the monster. Now the monster could not enforce the rules against Killua without also killing Alluka (and, by extension, itself). 

In other words, Killua was perfectly safe. 

But, there was only enough room for one “most loved” person to the monster. Killua had Alluka, and Alluka had Killua. Where did that leave Kalluto? 

“You have until the count of 100,” he told them, from within the darkness of the blindfold. “100, 99, 98…”

***

In the end they found an equilibrium, an uneasy truce. Killua spent a lot of time off the estate now, with Illumi. Kalluto's training under Mama was also taking up a lot of time, leaving Alluka, more and more often, alone with only the butlers assigned to watch her for company.

A day like this, where all three of them were together with nothing scheduled, was increasingly rare. Kalluto didn't know what they'd do to fill the time but he hoped they could do it together.

They reached for the chocolate cereal at the same time, but Killua was quicker and snatched it away before Kalluto could close his grip. 

Kalluto mostly enjoyed being small and the excuse it gave him to continue to wear unisex children's kimono but at times like this it was very inconvenient. 

"Pass it over when you're done," he told Killua, but Killua just smirked. 

"Sorry, there's only enough left for one person. Next time be faster."

"Brother, that's mean!" Alluka said. "You should share!"

"There's more cereal, Kalluto won't starve," Killua told her. "This is my favorite kind and I was first. If we split it neither one of us will have enough."

All of it made sense, but also, Kalluto was tired of always being slower and weaker, and of Killua always caving to Alluka but never to him. 

"Let me have it or I'll tell Mom you're being mean," he said. 

Killua just rolled his eyes. "Go ahead and tell her," he said. "You know how she is, she'll probably be happy I had the reflexes to take it first."

Kalluto knew that Killua was right, their mother appreciated hearing when Killua was acting in ways that weren't properly assassin-like but she wouldn't care about sibling rivalry, if anything she'd wonder where she'd failed as a mother that they didn't compete more. 

"Then let me have it or I'll tell Mom about the dog last week," he said. 

Killua and Alluka had found one of their parents' hunting dogs lying injured in the woods, and cared for it until it recovered. This was the kind of un-assassinlike behavior their mother disapproved of.

"Don't involve Alluka," Killua said, eyes suddenly hard. "She has nothing to do with this."

"Then give me your cereal," Kalluto said, although truthfully, he didn't even like chocolate that much, and preferred much less sweet foods for breakfast. He was just tired of feeling left out of everything.

"What if I don't give you anything, and I don't rip your kimono while you're training with Grandpa," Killua said, lowering his spoon. 

The tone was even but Kalluto thought he could detect a threat of violence - a coldness to his older brother's expression that said he really would do it. This was Killua's professional face, the one he tried not to show to Alluka.

Kalluto was thrilled. He hadn't gotten the cereal, but he'd gotten a reaction out of Killua. Alluka looked uncertain, monster aside she was much too weak for this family. 

"Don’t fight, brother," she said. Killua sighed, and pushed the bowl across the table to Kalluto.

"Here," he said. "You better eat the whole thing, loser." He got up and left the room, slamming the door on the way out. Alluka glanced to Kalluto, then got up to follow him. 

Kalluto ate the rest of the cereal in a bad mood. He hadn't even really wanted it, and truthfully, he had no idea why he'd done any of that just now. All he'd wanted was to spend time with Killua, like in the old days. There was something wrong with him.

"No, there's something wrong with _them_ ," he thought. 

" _I_ didn't do anything wrong."

***

Killua pointedly ignored him for the next few weeks, but that was nothing new. Kalluto threw himself into lessons, determined to prove his worth not just to Killua, but also to himself.

(But mainly to Killua.)

***

"What are you playing?" Killua asked curiously. Kalluto just grunted. He'd been working on perfecting his form for a while, and he'd almost gotten it perfectly. If he could just-

"Argh!" He said, as he missed a throw and dropped everything on the ground. 

"Let me try?" Killua asked, and Kalluto wordlessly handed over the brightly-colored batons. It took a few tries, but soon Killua had all the batons spinning in the air.

"Not fair," Kalluto said. "I've been trying all morning."

"You have to watch them at the top of their arc," Killua said. "Then your brain will calculate the drop, and you can anticipate where they'll fall." He tossed a baton to Kalluto, who caught it reflexively. 

"Don’t watch yourself catch it," Killua said. "Watch it in the air. Throw it back."

Kalluto tossed the baton, and Killua caught it without looking. 

"See?" He said. "You don't actually have to look at your hands. Now watch this."

He tossed the baton up, then a second baton with the first still in the air. Without looking down at his hands, he caught both.

"See, it's easy," he said. "Now you try."

Kalluto threw the two batons up, then caught them easily one after another. He'd been able to manage two before, but it felt different to do it without looking. He practiced a few more times with two, then added a third. Watching the batons spin at the top of their arc made it easy, just like Killua said. 

"See?" Killua said. "Nothing to it."

"Yeah," Kalluto said. And then, begrudgingly, "Thanks."

"No problem," Killua said. "Tell me the next time you get something cool."

***

It wasn't anything important. A skateboard. This time Kalluto knew better than to threaten to tell Mom. 

"Just let me try it for a _minute_ ," he said.

"No, get lost," Killua said. "I almost got the hang of the kickflip. Ask one of the butlers to buy you one."

Kalluto didn't want a skateboard, he wanted to spend time with his brother like they used to do, but unlike Alluka, he didn't want to just watch Killua do tricks (or play video games, or catch birds, or...)

"Let me try it, _now_ " he said, and let a little bit of his aura out. Not a lot, just enough to let Killua know he was serious.

The reaction wasn't at all what he expected. Killua immediately went pale and rolled backwards on the skateboard all the way to the end of the walkway.

"What did you do?" He asked. He seemed shaken, the first time he'd ever reacted this way to Kalluto. Kalluto was thrilled. Now they were finally on even footing, now he could _force_ Killua to acknowledge him...

"Kalluto," their grandfather called sternly. "Come here at once."

***

"I don't see what the big deal is," Kalluto groused. This had turned into a whole family meeting, with Zeno, Mama and the head butler, Gotoh all in attendance in Papa's study. Papa was out on a job but he'd also been called and notified. 

In Kalluto's opinion, it was overkill for just an idle threat. Of course there were Rules about fighting family members, but he hadn't even _done_ anything. He would never hurt Killua, or even Alluka, who was family after all, apart from the monster inside of her. 

"Think carefully," Zeno told him. "Tell me what you did wrong."

"I didn't do anything wrong-"

THWAK. The fan in Zeno's hand hit his palm with a loud noise. He hadn't moved or even looked in Kalluto's direction, and the gesture wasn't menacing, but Kalluto flinched regardless. 

"Sweetheart," Mama said. "I know you didn't mean anything by it, but you _promised_ your grandfather to keep nen a secret from your brother. You must keep your promises to the family, haven't I told you this before? Are you trying to make your Mama look bad?"

"No, mama," Kalluto said, distressed. He'd wanted to argue, to make his case, but if he did it now he'd just upset Mama more. 

But still it wasn't _fair_...

"Illumi uses nen on brother all the time," he blurted out, then flinched. Why had he said that? What was wrong with him today? He should have just been quiet, and accepted his punishment. Now he'd made everything worse. 

His mother's single camera in the center of her visor started to whirl, a sure sign she was upset with him. 

"Why are you like this?" She asked him. "Why are you questioning me? Do you not believe I have your best interests at heart? All of our best interests? Have I not proven my loyalty to this family-"

"The difference between you and Illumi," grandfather cut in, "Is that Illumi is fully trained in _nen_. While you, young Kalluto, are just a beginner. What you did was very dangerous, against someone who doesn't know _nen_ aura alone may kill. 

And without his grandfather lifting a finger, Kalluto suddenly felt it. The full pressure of his grandfather's aura, immense like a mountain had suddenly collapsed on him. 

Suddenly Kalluto couldn't breathe, he felt like he'd been caught in an avalanche and buried in 10 feet of snow. The pressure wasn't even malicious, but it was so _overwhelming_... Belatedly Kalluto put his defenses up but they were nothing compared to the strength of his grandfather's aura - like trying to stop a tsunami with tissue paper. 

As abruptly as the pressure began, it ended. Kalluto fell forward onto his hands and knees, not out of weakness, but relief.

"That is what it feels like to Killua when you use your aura against him," grandfather said mildly. "Do you understand?"

"Yes, grandfather," Kalluto said. 

"Will you do it again?"

"No, grandfather."

"Wonderful." Zeno looked around. "If no one has anything else to add, I have some other business to attend to."

Gotoh, his face as impassive as ever, merely bowed. Mama seemed agitated still, but in the hierarchy of the family Zeno outranked her. If he said the meeting was over then it was.

"Come, sweet Kalluto," she said. "Mama has something to give you."

And as Kalluto followed her out, he thought he saw something - a skateboard-shaped package, wrapped in beautiful hand-printed rice paper, carried like a baby in the arms of one of the butlers.

"You understand, don't you sweetheart?" His mama said. "Illumi is in charge of training your brother. He can do as he sees best. This family is very important - we all have our roles to play." 

"Yes, Mama," Kalluto said. 

***

An early memory. Back before anything. Before any of them were in training, before they knew about the monster, before Papa and Mama had been interested in Killua, Alluka and Kalluto. Back when they'd been considered babies and toddlers and thus not interesting, the job of the butlers to look after. Back when their parents only cared that they were healthy and alive. 

Perhaps he was three? Three or four. It was hard to remember. 

"Can you keep a secret?" Alluka asked him. Him and Killua. They were always together, even back then. 

Kalluto nodded solemnly. He was excellent at keeping secrets. 

"I'm not a boy," Alluka told them. "I'm actually a girl."

Kalluto was delighted. This was a _secret_. Mama liked him in children's kimono, which often meant girls' kimono, but that was normal and traditional for adorable little boys like him. 

He knew this was different. He knew instinctively, that the family would not approve. He'd been entrusted with a _real_ secret. 

"I'll never tell," Killua said. "And neither will Kalluto. Right?"

"Right," Kalluto said. 

And he never had told. 

***

It was easy enough to find his siblings with En, though the strain of using En was enormous on Kalluto’s frail body, and he’d been warned against relying on it too often. 

Zeno had thought he was too young to learn at all, but had been overruled by Papa and Mama. As grandfather was probably the greatest En master in the world, Kalluto had learned well and was probably more skilled than many adults. And secretly, Kalluto was thrilled by the idea that the strain might stunt his growth. He was dreading the day he'd no longer be cute and small enough to wear children's - girls' - kimono anymore. 

And En worked, in a pinch, as long as they were in the same room in the cave, within 20 meters. If they were further away, Kalluto had his paper dolls and the small scraps of paper confetti he’d placed on Killua and Alluka before the game began, to track them. 

Killua and Alluka had each other, and Kalluto’s job was to watch them, and report on them to Papa and Mama. That’s how most families were, right? 

"100, 99…"

***

“Your family,” Phinks said, “Is fucked up. And I say that as someone who only had stray cats for family.”

“You had stray _cats_?” Shalnark said, delighted. “ _Cats_? I never pictured you as the type.”

“They were strays, I was a stray, we were all strays together. Until I was starving one day and had no food for them, and they tried to eat me. Then I ate them first.”

“Dark,” Shalnark said, approvingly. 

“Disgusting,” Machi said, “But understandable.”

“You guys have such interesting childhood stories,” Shizuku observed. “My childhood was so boring, I wasn’t allowed to leave the apartment. None of us were, only papa was allowed to go outside. When he didn’t come back for a long time it was scary, the rest of the time it was soooo boring.”

They all stared.

“Anyway,” Machi said. “If I was your brother, I wouldn’t want anything to do with you either. You’re a snitch.”

“I’m not a _snitch_ ,” Kalluto said. “They were breaking the rules.”

“That’s exactly why you’re a snitch,” Machi said dryly. Nobunaga laughed, and put Kalluto in a headlock. 

“It’s all good, boyo,” he said. “We’re all awful people here, we won’t judge you. Although, no one likes a snitch.”

“I’m not a snitch! Let go!”

“Leave him alone,” the boss said. “What’s in the past is in the past. We have a job to do.”

They all gathered round. This was the reason they had come here, after all. 

***

End.

**Author's Note:**

> P.S. I messed around with the timeline a bit, from the manga Killua looks to be about 4 when Alluka's powers are discovered, which would make Kalluto around 2. It's therefore very possible he has no memory of her *before* his family started treating her like a monster, which is sad to think about. Anyway I decided I didn't want to tell that story so I made them all a bit older, hope you guys don't mind.
> 
> P.P.S. I support non-binary Kalluto headcanons, but I figure that if this is the case they might come to realize it later in life, unlike Alluka who realizes very early. Just my personal take on it. It is true that there was a tradition in Japan of dressing children in unisex clothing and specifically, of dressing little boys in girl's clothing, all the way up to the Edo era. 
> 
> Anyway - Merry Christmas! Hopefully you guys forgive me for writing something kinda dark on a family holiday. And shin, I hope you in particular like this! Comments welcomed here there or anywhere, let me know what you think!


End file.
